Female Jokes

First Woman:  "This is very embarrassing, but every time I sneeze, I
                have an orgasm."
Second Woman: "You poor dear!  Are you taking anything for that?"
First Woman:  "Snuff."

---

   Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher walked up
to them and displayed his endowments.  The first old lady had a stroke,
the second old lady had a stroke, but the third old lady's arms were too
short to reach.

---

What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
       You can unscrew a light bulb.

Why are women giving up bowling for screwing?
       The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.

What's the difference between a job and a wife?
       After five years, the job still sucks.

Bumber sticker: Support E.R.A. - make him sleep on the wet spot.

What's a cunt that talks back?
       An answering cervix.

What do you give an eighty-year-old woman for her birthday?
       Mikey ... He'll eat anything.

What do you call a woman who uses too much contraceptive cream?
       A spermicidal maniac.

Which of the group doesn't belong (eggs,wife,meat,blowjob)?
      A blowjob because you can beat the others but you can't beat a blowjob

Ladies, look down inside your shirts and spell the word  attic  out loud.

What does a woman do to her asshole in the morning?
      Sends him to work.

What two things in the air might get a woman pregnant?
       Her feet!

---

Three men were sitting on a beach; a fairly good-looking blonde walks by.
The first man says, "I give her a six"; the second, "I give her a 7"; the
third says, "She is a 1."  The other two look at him and wonder.  Another
woman walks by.  The first man says, "She is an 8"; the second says, "I give
her an 8+"; the third says, "She is a three."  Again the first two men wonder
about him.  Then an extremely fine-looking redhead approaches.  The first man
says, "She is a 10!"  The second man says, "She is an 11!!"  The third guy
says, "She is a six."  The other two finally look at him and say, "What is the
matter with you, man??  That redhead is perfect!!  Are you weird or
something??"
     "Wait a minute--you don't understand; I use the Budweiser scale."
     "What the hell is that?"
     "That's how many clydesdales it would take to pull her off my face."

---

        This young rich man was looking for a wife, and had narrowed
his choices down to 3 women.  He couldn't make up his mind on which
one he should marry, so he tested them.  He gave each woman $5,000
to see what they would spend it on.  The first woman went out, bought
furs and jewels, and blew all the money on herself.  The second woman
put half of it in the bank, and spent the rest of it on herself.  The
third woman bought herself a dress, and many, many gifts for the young
man.
        Given these facts, which woman do you think the young man
married?

answer:         The woman with the biggest tits, of course!

"You're single aren't you?"

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite

The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"

The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"

He replies, "Because you're ugly."

Top ten uses for my boyfriend's computer.

10) Good post-it note holder.
9) Keeps pesky boyfriend out of your hair.
8) Warm place for the cat to sleep.
7) Good reason to have an extra bedroom.
6) Bonding tool for men.
5) Tossed from an upstairs window, it gets the attention of passing pedestrians.
4) Hey Dave! Steamroll this!
3) At home shopping!
2) Typing these stupid top ten lists.
1) 3 1/2" disks make good drink coasters.

Ten ways a computer nerd can impress his date

10. Flash the big wads of tens and twenties you created with your color laser printer and top-notch graphics program.
9. Spend an evening playing floppy disks backward, listening for the secret messages about Satan.
8. Invite her back to your place to show her the etchings on your Newton MessagePad.
7. Let the lady go first when you reach the virtual reality escalator.
6. Serenade her with your MIDI-compatible drum pads.
5. Have your dinner illuminated by the soft glow of an active-matrix LCD panel.
4. If you're getting serious, consider a set of "his 'n' her" system unit keys.
3. Drive her crazy by murmuring tender love words with the help of a French-speaking voice synthesizer.
2. Never type on your date's laptop computer without permission, particularly if the system is on her lap.
1. When things get tough, simply ask yourself, "What would Bill Gates do in a situation like this?

Top 20 phone tech support no-no's

20. Try to sell homemade LSD to caller.
19. "Still not used to this whole electricity thing, huh?
18. Proclaim your undying love.
17. Advise the customer to lick the power supply.
16. "So, what are you wearing?"
15. Constantly refer to caller as "Pumpkin."
14. As you look up a part number, whistle loudly in a monotone.
13. "You've got to be kidding."
12. "What you do is get yourself 50p and go and buy a clue.
11. Use baby talk.
10. "I don't get paid enough to deal with jerks like you."
9. Ridicule the inadequacy of the caller's system.
8. "Yo no hablo ingles."
7. Use metaphors based on your experiences with rabid dogs.
6. Laugh maniacally.
5. Twist the callers words to make it seem as if there is no problem.
4. "You're screwed. You're just screwed."
3. Encourage the caller to pound on the CPU casing.
2. Try to set up caller with your second cousin.
1. "How the hell did you get access to a computer?"

Query, a poem

I shot a query into the net.
I haven't got an answer yet,
But seven people gave me hell
And said I ought to learn to spell;


A posted message called me rotten
For ignoring mail I'd never gotten;
An angry message asked me, Please
Don't send such drivel overseas;


A lawyer sent me private mail
And swore he'd slap my ass in jail --
I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem
And failed to add the T and M;


One netter thought it was a hoax:
"Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!";
Another called my grammar vile
And criticized my writing style.


Each day I scan each Subject line
In hopes the topic will be mine;
I shot a query into the net.
I haven't got an answer yet ...

If companies ran Christmas

If IBM ran Christmas...
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.

If Microsoft ran Christmas...
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks.

If Apple ran Christmas... It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).

If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas...
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for 'equalization' of color combinations on the tree.

If Dell ran Christmas...Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..? If Fisher Price ran Christmas... "Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.

If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas... The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.

If the NSA ran Christmas...
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.

If DEC ran Christmas...
We used to have Christmas back in the '70s, didn't we? If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas... They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.

If Sony ran Christmas... Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt.

If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas... Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about seven pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.

If Cray ran Christmas... The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.

If Thinking Machines ran Christmas... You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.

If Timex ran Christmas... The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.

If Radio Shack ran Christmas... The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.

If University of Waterloo ran Christmas... They would immediately change the name to WatMas.

The Ten Office Commandments

I. Thou Shalt Have No Other Life Beside Work
II. Thou Shalt Not Download Any Craven Images
III. Thou Shalt Not Take the Name of The Manager Thy God in Vain
IV. Remember the Sabbath Day to Work and Keep it Holy
V. Honor Thy Punctuality and Confidentiality Agreements
VI. Thou Shalt Not Kill Time
VII. Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery On Office Furniture or Equipment
VIII. Thou Shalt Not Steal Thy Employer's Yellow Sticky-Notes
IX. Thou Shalt Not Wantonly Xerox Thy Posterior
X. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Cubicle, Nor His Stapler, Nor His Three-Hole Punch

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million-dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark ................. $1
Knowing where to put it ... $49,999

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Real Engineers

Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.
Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday.
Real Engineers wear moustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because they're lazy.
Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier.
Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their own shirt size.
Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and automatic transmissions.
Real Engineers say "It's 77 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 Kelvin," and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day."
Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a conversation with a dial tone or busy signal.
Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car."
Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window.
Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.
Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs.
Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.
Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.
Real Engineers don't find the observations above at all funny.

Signs of a Bad Secretary

She has a hard time alphabetizing a bag of M&M's.
She doesn't get the hang of Post-it Notes.
You have to frequently scrape White-Out off her computer monitor.
At the board meeting for which she is recording the minutes, she stops the proceedings to ask, "What did fatso say?"
Your customers come around only during her lunch period; they peek around the door asking, "Is the coast clear?"
When she gets low on typing paper she asks you what to do; you tell her to use copy paper. She then takes a blank piece of typing paper and puts it into the copy machine and makes 10 copies.
She rolls her hosiery to just below the knee and keeps it there by tying it in a knot.
The Ringling Brothers Clown College announces that she has won a prize for her original make-up.
She tries to fax chocolate chip cookies to her daughter in college.
She staples her thumbs together more frequently than once a week.
Types 60 words per minute.......but not in English.
She wears White-Out for nail polish.

Where is my father?

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.
"This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".
At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone.
"Where is my father"? he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.
On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida".
Clever Dick laughed.
"Actually", he said, "my father is dead"!
It had been a trick question!!
The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said: "Where is my mother's husband"?
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.
And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words: "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida".

Modern Military Jargon

Here's a quick explanation of modern military terms:
Engage the Enemy means "to blow something up."
Surgical Strike means "to blow up something small."
Decapitate means "to blow up their leaders."
Collateral Damage means "to accidentally blow up something of theirs."
Friendly Fire means "to accidentally blow up something of ours."
Target of Opportunity means "to blow something up on a whim"
Kinetic Targeting means "to blow up something that's moving"
Ordnance is "something that that does the blowing up"
An Asset is "something that can be blown up"
Embedded Media means "a report that's blown out of proportion"

Reasons to Believe Computers are Female

No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory.
The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.
The message "bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know what is wrong, then I'm not going to tell you."
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Reasons to Believe Computers are Male

They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
A better model is right around the corner.
They look attractive -- until you take them home.
Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

MAN CATCHES COMPUTER VIRUS!

From the highly reliable newspaper, Weekly World News:
MAN CATCHES COMPUTER VIRUS!
Bizarre illness jamming up his brain waves!
Caption: SICK COMPUTER passed on a bizarre virus to programmer John Stevens, above, after it became ill from an infected software program.
By Michael Todd, Special Correspondent, {Weekly World News}, 18 June 1991
John Stevens has a lot in common with his home computer: Both think logically, both like numbers and both are sick with a virus - the same virus! Stevens, a computer programmer who works out of his home in a Philadelphia suburb, is convinced his lingering and debilitating illness is something he got >from his sick computer. And the victim's doctor agrees. "I've run every test I can think of to trace the origin of his illness," said Dr. Mark Fordland. "He has a virus, but it's not like any virus I've ever seen."
Stevens, 32, said his computer began to show signs of a virus - a software program designed to eat up an destroy other software data - about a week before he got sick. "I was careless about borrowing software programs from other people I didn't know well," Stevens admits.
Dr. Fordland, himself a computer expert, agrees. "Borrowing software programs from friends and strangers is like having sex with someone you don't know well. When you sleep with someone, you sleep with everyone they've ever slept with. When you borrow someone's software program, you're connected to everyone who's ever used that program." Dr. Fordland concludes that Stevens' symptoms are identical to that of a software virus' attack on a computer. "Stevens has become forgetful, like something is eating up his memory, his data. He has less and less energy. He can't hold onto thoughts. Even an EEG (electroencephalogram) of his brain waves keeps changing. It's becoming more and more erratic. "This virus could just eat him up until his mind is a blank and he's like a vegetable," the doctor said.

Jargon Jokes

Three Engineers.

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"


Time for Toast.
What if:

IBM made toasters: They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

Xerox made toasters: You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Dixons made toasters: The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If University of Waterloo made toasters: They would immediately spin off a company called WatToast.

If ParcPlace made toasters: Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.

If Oracle made toasters: They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters: The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

Does DEC still make toasters?: They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters: They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Tandem made toasters: You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.

If Thinking Machines made toasters: You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters: They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters: It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters: Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

If Sony made toasters: The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Timex made toasters: They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters: "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters: Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

If Costco made toasters: They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.

And, of course:

If Microsoft made toasters: Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters: It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.


Still a virgin.
Hear about the woman who married three different Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?

Her first husband was in Training, and he kept teaching her how to do it herself.

The second one was in Sales, and he kept telling her how good it was going to be in the next release.

The third was in Tech Support, and he kept saying, "Don't worry Darling, it'll be up any minute now......"



Heaven or Hell?
Did you hear about the Microsoft Windows programmer who died?

He found himself in front of a committee that decides whether you go to Heaven or Hell.

The committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and asked him if he wanted to see Heaven and Hell before stating his preference.

"Sure," he said, so an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach, volleyball, and rock and roll, where everyone was having a great time.

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "Heaven is great!"

"Wrong," said the angel. "That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?"

"Sure!" So the angel took him to another place. Here a bunch of people were sitting in a park playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons.

"This is Heaven?" asked the Windows programmer.

"Yup," said the angel.

"Then I'll take Hell." Instantly he found himself plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava, with the hosts of the damned in torment around him. "Where's the beach? The music? The volleyball?" he screamed frantically to the angel.

"That was the demo," she replied as she vanished.



What does the '95' in 'windows95' mean?
16. The number of seconds before it crashes.

15. The number of ships for shipping it.

14. The number of minutes to 'kill' the hard drive.

13. The percentage turnover rate for staff.

12. The number of days until Gates tries to sell you a newer OS.

11. The 95 stands for average CPH : Crash Per Hour.

10. The required number of megabytes of RAM to run at useable speed.

9. The number of floppies it ships in.

8. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.

7. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.

6. The number of pages in the *EASY-INSTALL* version of the manual.

5. The number of minutes to install.

4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.

3. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.

2. The number of MHz required for the OS to run.

1. The year it was due to ship.



What do you believe?
Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Bill Gates all die in a plane crash. They are standing before God, seated on his throne.

God asks Al: "What do you believe?"

Al says: "I believe in the earth. I believe if we don't protect it, the whole earth will die."

God says: "I like that, come sit at my left. Bill Clinton, what do you believe?"

Bill Clinton says: "I believe in people. I believe the people should be empowered. I believe no one has the right to tell someone else what to do."

God says: "I like that, come sit on my right. OK Bill Gates, what do you believe?"

Bill Gates says: "I believe you're in my seat."



World's Smartest Man
A twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey with six people on board (the pilot, Bill Clinton, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie). Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded in the luggage compartment and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened and the pilot burst into the compartment.

"Gentlemen," he said, "I have bad news, and good news, and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that we can easily parachute to safety. The bad news is that there are only five parachutes." With that, the pilot threw open the door, grabbed a parachute, and jumped from the plane.

Bill Clinton was right behind him. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the leader of the world's greatest nation. The world needs great leaders of great nations. I think the world's greatest leader should have a parachute!" So saying, he grabbed a parachute and followed the pilot out the door.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With those words, he grabbed a parachute and hurtled through the door into the night.

Bill Gates scrambled to his feet and said, "Uh, gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man, and, well, the world needs smart men. So, uh, the world's smartest man should have a parachute." Grabbing a parachute, he stumbled out the door.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another calmly for a moment. Finally, the hippie picked up a parachute and held it out to the Dali Lama who said, "My son, I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you. You take the parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie said, "Hey, no sweat, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

Balayya Barya 2 title song :)

Sing This Loud
Title song...
Remake of Arya2
barya 2
బార్య 2


HerHహీరో : బాలయ్య

టైటిల్ సాంగ్:

హే టిప్ టాప్ హీరో కదిలిండో...
ఎవడికి వీడు హిట్టు ఇవ్వడండో..
ముదురండో.... బలుపండో...
సినిమా తీయకండో...
ఉప్పు కప్పురంబు ఒక్క లుక్కు నుండో...
వీడి మూవి చూసి మోసపోకండో....
ఫ్లాప్ అండో..... వేస్టండో...
ఓవర్ యాక్షనండో...
కమాన్ కమాన్... మోస్టు బోరింగు..
కమాన్ కమాన్... మస్తు లాఫింగు..
కమాన్ కమాన్.. వరష్టు యాక్టింగు...
హే యాయి యేహియో.
మిస్టెర్ ఫ్లాపర్ ఫ్లాపర్ .. హి ఈజ్ మిస్టెర్ ఫ్లాపర్
లెన్స్ వేసి వెతుకు.. దొరకదు రా ఏ హిట్టు.
ఆహ్.. వీడో జఫ్ఫా యాక్టర్,
ఈ మాటర్ అందరికీ తెలుసు,
వీడి మూవి తీసి తీసి ఆస్తులన్నీ కరిగిపోయినాయ్
కాని ఎవడూ మానడు.
పైగ ఈ రొజుల్లో ఇలాంటోల్లకు ఎర్రి ఫాన్సు బాగా ఎక్కువా...
ఐనా ఇంకో సారి ట్రై చేస్తా... హుస్సెన్ సాగర్ లో తోసేస్తా....


English Translation, Best read in Telugu…..

Hero: Balayya
Title Song  from Barya 2

Hey tip top hero kadilindo…..
Evadiki veedu hittu ivvadando….
Mudurando….. Balupando…..
Cinema theeyakandoooo…………….

Uppu kappurambo … Okka lookku undo…..
Veedi movie choosi mosapokando…..
Flop Ando……. Waste ando….
OverAction andoooo………..

Come on Come on….. Most Boringu……
Come on Come on ….. Mastu Laughingu……..
Come on Come on….. Worst Actingu…..

Hey ayeee yaeeeeoooooooooo…..

Mister Flopper Flopper ……. He is mister Flopper
Lens vesi vethuku ……  Dorakadhu raa  A hittu….
Aaaah…. Veedo Jappha Actor,
EEE Matter andariki Telusu,
Veedi movie theesi theesi  Aasthulanni karigipoyinayee..
Kaani  Evadu Maanadu…..
Paiga EEE rojullo ilantollaku erri fans baaga ekkuva……..
Aina inko saari try chestha ……. Hussain Saagar lo thosestha…..

Ek Niranjan Title song, sung by a software engineer..!!

hike ledu giftu ledu pandaki ichhe bonus ledu ek niranjan..
luck ledu kick ledu veliki intiki velle yogam ledu ek niranjan...

java radu naku jsp radu
.net radu naku c# radu
programming rane radu,appreciation levule,
onsite chancee ledu,promotion ledule. searching lo king ne , na lokame google yee..
workunna, lekunna nepppudu yeah canteenlo vuntanee..

hike ledu giftu ledu pandaki ichhe bonus ledu ek niranjan..
luck ledu kick ledu veliki intiki velle yogam ledu ek niranjan...

Care of Canteen, product of bench awara dot com.
ye dham ro dham tons of coffee mana kathe ga problem.
Are project pere teliyade, naku coding ee radee.
yeee tl , leadu leru le.. na mails evo naveee...

vachava chesava ani adigedhevvadule..
outings partlylu ani pilichedevvadule..

searching lo king ne , na lokame google yee..
workunna, lekunna nepppudu yeah canteenlo vuntanee..


head is aching,and its breaking kali aithey anthe,
thats ok yar chaltha hai, i have a saridon..
o paniki malina projects calls chesthayi lee..
mana style maname reject chesthameee.


ivvalo repoo la mana bathaku vunde..
tesesthe inko company vundane vunde...

searching lo king ne , na lokame google yee..
workunna, lekunna nepppudu yeah canteenlo vuntanee..

hike ledu giftu ledu pandaki ichhe bonus ledu ek niranjan..
luck ledu kick ledu veliki intiki velle yogam ledu ek niranjan...

God's e-mail.

Recently God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.
So he called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% of the people are bad and 5% are good.
Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel; to get both points of view.
So God called a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went to God and told him yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% of the people are bad and 5% are good. God said this was not good.
He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and encourage them... just a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said?
...Oh, you didn't get one?!!!

Internet FAQ.

Q. What, exactly, is the Internet?
A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government, business, and private computer systems.
------
Q. Who runs it?
A. A 13-year-old named Jason.
------
Q. How can I get on the Internet?
A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular commercial "online" services, such as Prodigy, CompuServe, or America Online, which will give you their program disks for free. Or, if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak in some night and install their programs on your computer when you're sleeping. They really want your business.
------
Q. What are the benefits of these services?
A. The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user-friendly" interfaces that enable you -- even if you have no previous computer experience -- to provide the online services with the information they need to automatically put monthly charges on your credit card bill forever.
------
Q. What if I die?
A. They don't care.
------
Q. Can't I cancel my account?
A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.
Q. How?
A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been trying for years to cancel our online service accounts, but no matter what we do, the charges keep appearing on our bills. We're thinking of entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.
------
Q. What if I have children?
A. You'll want an anesthetic, because it really hurts.
------
Q. No, I mean, What if my children also use my Internet account?
A. You should just sign your house and major internal organs over to the online service right now.
------
Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once I'm connected to an online service?
A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things! No end of things!
------
Q. Like what?
A. You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat.
------
Q. Chat?
A. Chat.
------
Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends.
A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people all over the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers, many of whom are boring and stupid!
------
Q. Sounds great! How does it work?
A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat in. Some areas are just for general chatting, and some are for specific interest groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Homos?xu?ls, G?y Te?ns who Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having Pointless Arguments About Sports. At any given moment, an area can contain anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake names such as "ByteMe2" so nobody will know their real identities.
------
Q. What are their real identities?
A. They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages, in all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers, from writers to wranglers, from actors to athletes -- you could be talking to almost anybody on the Internet!
------
Q. Really?
A. No. You're almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed 13-year-old boys. But they pretend to be writers, wranglers, scientists, singers, etc.
------
Q. What do people talk about in chat areas?
A. Most chat-area discussions revolve around the fascinating topic of who is entering and leaving the chat area. A secondary, but equally fascinating, topic is where everybody lives. Also, for a change of pace, every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a hormone-crazed 13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to women.

An engineer and a lawyer were recently fishing in the Caribbean

An engineer and a lawyer were recently fishing in the Caribbean. The fishing was outstanding and they got to talking about their vacations.
The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the blazing fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a raging flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The puzzled lawyer asked, "How DO you start a flood?"

Hewlett Packard Lockheed Martin and Apple go for a Pee

Three Engineers go for a Pee
Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Hewlett Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, "At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Apple Computer, Inc. we don't pee on our hands."

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break.

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break. The first surgeon said, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second surgeon said, "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The third surgeon responded, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded."
Then the fourth doctor interceded, "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
To which the fifth surgeon, who had been quietly listening to the conversation, replied, "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

Four engineers discussing who designed the human body

Four engineers were sitting around one day trying to figure out who might have designed the human body.
The first fellow said, "I think it might be a Mechanical Engineer, because of joints and muscle and sense of balance." The other three nodded their heads and said, "Yeah, could be."
The second fellow said, "I think it might be an Electrical Engineer, because of the nervous system and neural network." The other three nodded their heads and said, "Yeah, could be."
The third fellow said, "I think it might be a Chemical Engineer, because of hormonal balances and metabolism." The other three nodded their heads and said, "Yeah, could be."
The fourth fellow snaps his fingers and shouts out, "I know, it HAD to have been a Civil engineer!" The other three ask "Why?"
"Well," replied the fourth fellow, "who else would put a waste water drainage right through a recreational area?"

One day, an engineer died

One day, an engineer died. He was the kind of engineer that built stuff, like air conditioners. When he died, he went to heaven, and met God. God said, "Hey! You're not on the list. Go to Hell."
So he walked down about 3,945,081 flights of stairs, and met the devil. Satan said, "Okay! Come on in." While in hell, he made all sorts of things, like escalators, air conditioners, etc.
One day, God called the devil and said, "You know that engineer? Well, he is supposed to be up here."
So the devil said, "Are you crazy? I won't give you this guy."
God said, "Well if you don't, I'll sue." The devil replied, "Sue? You can't sue me. You don't have any lawyers up there!"

Top Ten Reasons to Date an Engineer

1. Complimentary Tutoring
2. Large Earning Potential
3. Can handle stress and strain in relationships
4. Know all the dynamics of relative motion
5. Learn about the benefits of friction and viscosity
6. FREE body diagrams
7. Always back up their hard drives
8. Trained to do it right the first time
9. Specialized in experimentation
10. Can go all night with no hint of fatigue

An architect, an artist, and an engineer

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" asked the architect and artist in unison.
The engineer replied, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume that you are spending time with the other woman, so you can go to the office and get some work done."

Three engineers got on a crowded lunchtime bus

Three engineers got on a crowded lunchtime bus. They somehow worked their way to the middle of the bus where they found three girls willing to exchange their seats for a place on the guys' laps.
After they got settled and had ridden that way for a while, the first girl suddenly asked the gentleman under her whether he might be an electrical engineer. Surprised, he replied, "Yes, I am! How did you know?"
"Easy," she said. "I'm getting shocked by your soldering iron."
Just a few minutes later, the second girl asked her guy, "Are you a mechanical engineer?"
He said, "Why, yes, ma'am. How did you know that?"
"Simple," she said, "Your piston is scraping my cylinder."
Shortly thereafter, the third girl turned to her fellow and asked, "Are you a civil engineer?"
"I certainly am," he answered. "How could you have known that?"
"Well," she said, "I figured it out as soon as your dam burst and flooded my village."

Top Engineering Terms and Expressions - Part II

Top Engineering Terms and Expressions - Part II - (What engineers say versus what they mean)
13. Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your bull.)
14. See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've screwed up again.)
15. All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)
16. Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)
17. Robust! (Rugged, but more so)
18. Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)
19. Years of development. (One finally worked)
20. Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)
21. No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)
22. Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)
23. Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)
24. We are following the standard! (That's the way we have always done it!)
25. I didn't get your e-mail. (I haven't checked my e-mail for days.)

Top Engineering Terms and Expressions - Part I

Top Engineering Terms and Expressions - Part I - (What engineers say versus what they mean)
1. A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.)
2. Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)
3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)
4. Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK, but looks very hi-tech!)
5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)
6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)
7. Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)
8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)
9. It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)
10. We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)
11. Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.)
12. Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)

Engineer Meets Management in a Field

Engineer Meets Management in a Field
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below said, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to anyone."
The man below said, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

How to spot a computer engineer.

The world can spot a computer engineer from miles off. Ten sure clues:
1. When dating: ends up together in front of a computer.
2. In the street: he's the one carrying a box of floppy discs.
3. In discussion: he's the one who starts laughing hysterically when the topic of computer reliability is brought up.
4. Anywhere: Red watery eyes, and sleepy if awake before 4pm.
5. Bumper sticker on car: My ware is harder, bigger and faster than yours.
6. Thinks a perfect Saturday Night is a fast fsp-connection to a base with plenty of gifs, and a case of Heineken.
7. Cancels dates because he's too occupied with a new mud.
8. Keeps being caught with Playboy by the scanner.
9. Keeps more than 16 sheets of printouts on his desk.
10. Thinks IRC is the perfect way to get dates.

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager almost have a car crash
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."
"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well," said the Software Engineer, "before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

PC Jargon

ALPHA - Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
BETA - Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
COMPUTER - Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.
CPU - Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a 286, a ferret if it's a 386, and a ferret on speed if it's a 486.
DEFAULT DIRECTORY - Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.
ERROR MESSAGE - Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.
FILE - A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.
HARDWARE - Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.
HELP - The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.
INPUT/OUTPUT - Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.
INTERIM RELEASE - A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.
MEMORY - Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
PRINTER - A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: The case, the jammed paper tray, and the blinking red light.
PROGRAMMERS - Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.
REFERENCE MANUAL - Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
SCHEDULED RELEASE DATE - A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.
USER-FRIENDLY - Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.
USERS - Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: Novice, intermediate, and expert.
=> Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
=> Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
=> Expert Users. People who break other people's computers.

The Frog Princess.

A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road.
The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week".
The programmer shrugs his sholders and puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll make mad passionate love to you for a week".
The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll make mad passionate love to you for a whole year!".
The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised to make mad passionate love to you for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"
"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for mad passionate love.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."

The CEO's Envelopes

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes: #1, #2 and #3.
"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope.
The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
Morris, the new CEO, called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press – and Wall Street – responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope.
The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes..."

Why client server computing is like t??? s?? - (Rhymes with lean hex).

1) It is on everybody's mind all the time.
2) Everyone is talking about it all the time.
3) Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it.
4) Almost no one is really doing it.
5) The few who are doing it are:
a) doing it poorly;
b) sure it will be better next time;
c) not practicing it safely.

Explaning why my program doesn't work.

Strange...
I've never heard about that.
It did work yesterday.
Well, the program needs some fixing.
How is this possible?
The machine seems to be broken.
Has the operating system been updated?
The user has made an error again.
There is something wrong in your test data.
I have not touched that module!
Yes, yes, it will be ready in time.
You must have the wrong executable.
Oh, it's just a feature.
I'm almost ready.
Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
It will be done in no time at all.
It's just some unlucky coincidence.
I can't test everything!
THIS can't do THAT.
Didn't I fix it already?
It's already there, but it has not been tested.
It works, but it's not been tested.
Somebody must have changed my code.
There must be a virus in the application software.
Even though it does not work, how does it feel?

Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Generous lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Quotes from stupid 01

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

"The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway

"In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse

"A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio

"He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer

"An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio

"This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service.

"We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)

"He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal

Blonde paint job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."