Jargon Jokes

Three Engineers.

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"


Time for Toast.
What if:

IBM made toasters: They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

Xerox made toasters: You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Dixons made toasters: The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If University of Waterloo made toasters: They would immediately spin off a company called WatToast.

If ParcPlace made toasters: Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.

If Oracle made toasters: They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters: The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

Does DEC still make toasters?: They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters: They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Tandem made toasters: You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.

If Thinking Machines made toasters: You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters: They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters: It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters: Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

If Sony made toasters: The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Timex made toasters: They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters: "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters: Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

If Costco made toasters: They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.

And, of course:

If Microsoft made toasters: Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters: It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.


Still a virgin.
Hear about the woman who married three different Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?

Her first husband was in Training, and he kept teaching her how to do it herself.

The second one was in Sales, and he kept telling her how good it was going to be in the next release.

The third was in Tech Support, and he kept saying, "Don't worry Darling, it'll be up any minute now......"



Heaven or Hell?
Did you hear about the Microsoft Windows programmer who died?

He found himself in front of a committee that decides whether you go to Heaven or Hell.

The committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and asked him if he wanted to see Heaven and Hell before stating his preference.

"Sure," he said, so an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach, volleyball, and rock and roll, where everyone was having a great time.

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "Heaven is great!"

"Wrong," said the angel. "That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?"

"Sure!" So the angel took him to another place. Here a bunch of people were sitting in a park playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons.

"This is Heaven?" asked the Windows programmer.

"Yup," said the angel.

"Then I'll take Hell." Instantly he found himself plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava, with the hosts of the damned in torment around him. "Where's the beach? The music? The volleyball?" he screamed frantically to the angel.

"That was the demo," she replied as she vanished.



What does the '95' in 'windows95' mean?
16. The number of seconds before it crashes.

15. The number of ships for shipping it.

14. The number of minutes to 'kill' the hard drive.

13. The percentage turnover rate for staff.

12. The number of days until Gates tries to sell you a newer OS.

11. The 95 stands for average CPH : Crash Per Hour.

10. The required number of megabytes of RAM to run at useable speed.

9. The number of floppies it ships in.

8. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.

7. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.

6. The number of pages in the *EASY-INSTALL* version of the manual.

5. The number of minutes to install.

4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.

3. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.

2. The number of MHz required for the OS to run.

1. The year it was due to ship.



What do you believe?
Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Bill Gates all die in a plane crash. They are standing before God, seated on his throne.

God asks Al: "What do you believe?"

Al says: "I believe in the earth. I believe if we don't protect it, the whole earth will die."

God says: "I like that, come sit at my left. Bill Clinton, what do you believe?"

Bill Clinton says: "I believe in people. I believe the people should be empowered. I believe no one has the right to tell someone else what to do."

God says: "I like that, come sit on my right. OK Bill Gates, what do you believe?"

Bill Gates says: "I believe you're in my seat."



World's Smartest Man
A twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey with six people on board (the pilot, Bill Clinton, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie). Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded in the luggage compartment and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened and the pilot burst into the compartment.

"Gentlemen," he said, "I have bad news, and good news, and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that we can easily parachute to safety. The bad news is that there are only five parachutes." With that, the pilot threw open the door, grabbed a parachute, and jumped from the plane.

Bill Clinton was right behind him. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the leader of the world's greatest nation. The world needs great leaders of great nations. I think the world's greatest leader should have a parachute!" So saying, he grabbed a parachute and followed the pilot out the door.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With those words, he grabbed a parachute and hurtled through the door into the night.

Bill Gates scrambled to his feet and said, "Uh, gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man, and, well, the world needs smart men. So, uh, the world's smartest man should have a parachute." Grabbing a parachute, he stumbled out the door.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another calmly for a moment. Finally, the hippie picked up a parachute and held it out to the Dali Lama who said, "My son, I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you. You take the parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie said, "Hey, no sweat, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."