Bars & Drunkards

Drunk Fart

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.

Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."

The drunks replies, " I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

Wife`s Photograph

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks.

After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch.

After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch.

Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another."

The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

Thirsty Drunk

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Champagne."

"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"

"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.

"You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her, right?"

"Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"

Talking Clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup", replied the drunk.

How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!

Ghost Shit

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put.

Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, what the hell is going on?

The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.

Fastest Turtle

A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender asks the man, "What's wrong with your turtle?"

"Nothing", the man responds, "this turtle is very fast. Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you 5000 bucks that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy 5000, agrees. He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall.

"Told you it'll be there before your dog."